Dear Christmas, You SUCK…Signed Thanksgiving

christmas-thanksgiving Here’s the thing C h r i s t m a s, I’m sick of you and I’m finally going to stand up for myself. Screw your yuletide cheer, your chestnuts roasting on an open fire (roast these) and I wish I would deck a damn hall. November is my time to shine and I just can’t figure out why you can’t wait until December! For God’s sake, you’re at the end of the month!

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You’ve been stealing my thunder for quite some time now. Every time my month comes in, stores are flooded with Christmas lights, decorations and it’s like, damn…can I get some time, some displays? At least stores could put up turkey images or something.

From that nasty ass fruitcake you push every year to those old ass poinsettias that folks think they need to litter their houses with (actually, they’re really beautiful, but I just hate your f*cking guts), I wish you would leave November alone and allow me to shine. I deserve it.

Here’s just why I am so much better than you, Christmas:

I give people the chance to focus on food and food alone. We all know that food makes people happier than strategically-placed mistletoe. “Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe, help to make the season bright,” my ass. Turkey belongs to ME b*tch! Besides, by the time you come around, everyone has already had that meal a month before. Maybe you should think about serving something else.

Oh you think you can bribe people with presents? I’m pretty sure this is only thing that makes you feel good about yourself, isn’t it? Well, here’s a tidbit for you–you’re responsible for $46 billion dollars worth of gifts being returned after your materialistic day. Gift that.

So there’s this awesome thing called a nap or in the Black community–”The Itis.” What’s so awesome about it is that after families get their fill at the Thanksgiving table (you know, because I have all the foods people can’t wait to overeat), they typically take naps. But during your meal, parents are often bombarded with their kids and helping them with their newest toy, whether they want to or not. Doesn’t sound fun to me.

Dear Christmas, You SUCK…Signed Thanksgiving was originally published on ionehellobeautiful.staging.go.ione.nyc

The day after me is a day of shopping at discounted rates. It’s called Black Friday. It’s called Black Friday because it reflect the color of my heart. Even though I love shopping, I just hate that you have to be a part of this. It’s still my damn month! People are searching for the best deals, purchasing Christmas gifts for their loved ones. It’s like–damn homie, I just passed and you’re already waiting to get folks in the money-spending mood.

In case you didn’t get it–STAY AWAY FROM TURKEY. It’s mine! Serve ham on your day.

OMG, every year it seems like you’re allowing more and more whack ass Christmas albums to hit the shelves. Why are you doing this to people? Have you ever heard any Thanksgiving albums? NO! That’s because I know how to treat people with respect.

And about this cockamamie story you’re pushing…at least I have proof that pilgrims existed (even if the story they teach kids is more peaceful than the truth.) I mean hey, I managed to spin that bloodbath into a catered dinner. (Yes, I hired Olivia Pope.)

So in case you didn’t get the point–back the hell up. Let me have November and sit your Jack Frost nipping at your nose ass down. Next year, if you pull this sh*t, I will personally call up The Grinch and steal your ass!